Jesus take the wheel Take it from my hands cause i cant do this on my own
I'm letting go.
Give me one more chance Save me from this road i'm on Jesus take wheel. ____________________________
oh wells. still trying to get the damn hang of blogging again. kinda having a major brain fart. hahaha.
and watching all these youngsters (and oldies) shaking their asses for all their worth on national television on the dance floor.. isnt exactly helping me to process my thoughts properly.
anywho, i just came home from a very blessed choir practise where i felt my worries and troubles being lifted away from my heavy heart.
sure, im still my hyperactive and sarcastic self. but during those brief times alone, i just cant help but feel the problems tugging at my heart.
and just last night, i just had this sudden urge to cry. that was just wat i did. i cried for ages.
the thing is, i didnt even know why i was crying!
i only found out about my grandma's condition on saturday and my poor mother had to break the news to us. the one thing that struck me the hardest was how nonchalant my reaction was, as i heard the news.
looking back at how my mother and sister cried so painfully, i wonder how i could remain so indifferent.
i've seen my grandmother get skinnier and skinnier. and i told my mother about it everytime, just bring ah ma for a full body check up! but, i guess my uncles and ah ma herself didnt see the need to.
oh well, as i was saying, i felt sadness in my heart, which was more of like an empty void inside. i didnt know what i was doing the whole day, but saturday just passed like..... eh.. like THAT! ya. it just passed.. like that la!!!
i dunno if i've mentioned this, but the only time when i really broke down was during sunday's worship session. i cried and cried as i sang of His perfect grace and mercy.
as cheesy and cliche as this sounds, serving my Lord and leading His people in song of His grace, really really REALLY puts you so close to Him, you catch glimspes of Him, everynow and then.
i sang my heart out to Him, and He returned by filling the void in my heart with His warm love. i just felt Him calling to me, asking me to open my cold heart and let Him fill it up.
and so i did. and boy oh boy was that a wonderful release. i cried for the times that my ah ma nagged at me and i whined back at her (when i was young). i cried for the times that she would take a train all the way down from her house in tampines to my place, just to send my family yummy goodies and snacks. i cried for all the times i saw that feisty old lady, who had boundless amounts of energy, running after her young grandchildren and forcing them to bathe. i cried for all the times i raised my voice (a little only!!) to ask her to take those blardy cigarettes out from her mouth. i cried for the very first time, as i saw the image of my once strong ah ma looking so frail, tired and lifeless,lying on her bed and staring back at me with dazed eyes.
i cried and cried and cried. for my refusal to believe that this is happening to my ah ma. but now, i REFUSE to believe that my ah ma has no time left. and i am not in self denial... i am placing my entire faith in the Lord. my Lord. my solid rock, that never wavers.
i guess this is what its called.
Letting Go. and Letting God.
when you've fought and fought. when you've lost all feelings and hope. when all that's left in you is numbness and despair.